this week has been a very interesting one. i am not sure just what to do with myself about it. for starters...monday night. there was a group of 8 that went hiking. 4 boys & 4 girls. naturally we kinda paired up....there was one married couple and another that were dating. the rest of us are friends, but we sort of paired up too. jonathon took the lead, and for a while i was keeping pace with him. then i realized that i should probably bring up the rear....and jonathon wasn't really talking to me anyway. he was talking to everybody else. not a big deal, but it hurt a bit. then the trail changed and it got a bit tough. our group was spreading out. so we slowed down and then jonathon's phone rang. he answered it because it was "that girl". for most of the hike up, he was talking to her....flirting with her. the silly grin on his face was making me nauseous. i don't get it. i mean, i get it. i understand he is not interested in me that way. but why spend the last month talking to me the way he has. asking me what would my dad think if i brought a guy like him home. why have more in depth conversations then we have ever had when we actually were dating? then why in front of my face answer your phone because "that girl" called. and then why cancel our biking for the week. esp when you know that this week is my last week before school starts and i fall off the face of the earth. UGH!!!! why can't i just make my head and my heart think and do what i want. why do i continually hope that maybe the idiot will wake up and realize what he is missing out on. and i think worst of all...why am i a hopeless romantic. why can't i just get over the fact that he isn't going to feel about me the way i somehow still feel for him. and how do i still have feelings for him when i keep getting hurt by him? i am stronger than that...aren't i?
oh and ryan & i are just friends. he says he isn't ready for a relationship. and he is going to be back in school and has a lot going on. things still are potentially there to be more than friends. he understands that i would like things to be more, but he also wants me to keep my options open. we are dating, but not exclusive is how i take that to mean. we promised to always be honest and open with each other. i don't understand how i can like two boys at the same time. and ironically neither really wants to be more than friends with me. and even more irony...these two boys always manage to come in a pair together in and out of my life. it is almost as if they plan it. so again i say UGH!!!
and then here is the icing on the cake. zach asked me out. he seems pretty cool. and we have plans for this saturday night. we have been texting the last couple of days. we have mostly been doing the question & answer game thing. what's your favorites and such. nicknames got brought up. i said, my family calls me beanie. i have friends that call me chinaho. he answered, how about i just call you amber. so then i asked if he was zachary or zacharias. here is where again my life gets ironic.... his answer. my name is actually john. JOHN!!!!! what is it with me and guys who's names start with J or are really named john or jonathon or jon or johnny?! he is john zacharias smith and goes by zach. seriously i almost canceled our date. i think i am doomed or destined or whatever you want to call it, to have in my dating world a guy with j in his name somewhere. looking back over my dating life, i think i can count on one hand how many guys have had a different name from the whole j thing. so talk about irony.
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