hot chocolate

first things first; my landlord did hear some of what was said saturday night. he talked to my roommate about it yesterday at work. i am so embarrassed! thankfully they are pretty laid back people and i didn't say anything too horrifying. now on to my story today;
i finally got some guts and asked jay to join me after work for hot chocolate. i was still chicken and asked him over text since i had already left work and he was still there for at least another hour. but hey, he said yes. i got caramel spiced apple and he got a signature hot chocolate. we talked. okay really mostly i talked, since i always am just talking. but he talked too. things are good between us. i am alright where we are now. jay brought up a lot of good points, and i totally understand them. it is really hard to have a work relationship. everyone will see him as the bad guy if anything wrong happens. he got so many mean looks at work that following monday. i felt awful that people were judging him. what was a simple misunderstanding between us turned into a huge work drama that everyone had to jump into. poor guy doesn't need that. jay is an incredible person with a huge heart. whatever girl wins his heart will be a queen. i wish i could say it were me, but then i would be lying. maybe i do have a special place in his heart, but while we are both employed at the same place, nothing more than friendship can happen. i would rather have jay as my friend than not have him in my life at all. he is truly a remarkable man. a little shy at the start, but when you get to know what's there is a rare gem, a gentleman. perhaps in the future things will turn out differently. i sure don't know. what i do know is that i am lucky that he is my friend. no matter what happens, i will be as much as a friend to him as he is for me.

my saturday night date

saturday night was a lot of fun! i took taylor. lis took mikey. and mary took chan. we just hung out at my place. okay, we were on a date so it wasn't hanging out, but we just were all chill and had a blast. mary cooked dinner; chicken enchilada something...i can't remember what she called it. and lis made a salad; spinach and mandarin oranges with creamy poppy seed dressing. and i contributed strawberry daiquiris and skookies. lis also made us frozen hot chocolates. it was really quite a fun date. and the thee of us are plotting to have another date night here soon. lis and mary already have their dates. i can't decided who i am going to ask. anyway...we played games and laughed and just had a good time. i do have to tell you my most embarrassing moment now (although, i am sure to top it soon, knowing me...)
so my landlords have been remodeling their bathroom. sadly it has effected my roommate's and my bathroom. well, they thought it was done...then the pipes began to leak. this made my apartment smell like sewage. it has been getting better, but still smelled of it on saturday night. mary & chan beat lis and i back to my place. i had left the door unlocked knowing it would probably be that way since lis' date lives in hooper. my roommate had plans saturday night with her family then her boyfriend after. (meaning she wouldn't be there) mary had sent me a message when she got here that she heard someone there. i didn't get that message until the end of the night because i had turned my phone on silent. i should have realized that erin's car was not in the driveway. for some stupid reason, i thought it was her in the bathroom making all the noise. my landlady was practicing her violin and everyone was amazed at how well you can hear everything going on upstairs. i told them yes, i do hear quite a bit. i can't remember what i had to get from my room, but i passed by the bathroom and realized that it was not erin, but my landlord that was in the bathroom. he was fixing the hole in the ceiling. i went bright red. when everyone else realized why i was red, they continued the humiliation. i don't know for sure if my landlord heard me, but i am most certainly embarrassed.
to make matters even worse....my landlords began to vacuum. it was 10:30 at night. who vacuums that late? so mary's date really started getting loud and commenting on how loud my landlords are. i hopefully will not be evicted. after all, this is the first time that i have had people over and the first time we have been loud. but who knows for sure if they heard that i can hear. it was quite entertaining. the whole night was just a lot of fun. we finally ended about 12:30 ish. it was a great, inexpensive, date and i am looking forward to doing a similar date in the future. (two weeks i think) hey...it is a new year's resolution for lis and i support it because i should have made it myself.
now boys; i don't know what is going on between jay and me. i think we are at an impasse. hopefully we can figure out if things will proceed forward or if we are just friends. difficult since we haven't really talked, and can't at work. taylor and i are currently good friends. it is totally his move if it goes anywhere more than that. jake and i could be good friends. and thayne is someone who i am debating on asking out. i would like to set him up with one of my friends, but if he asked me out i would definitely say yes. jonathon and i are convenient friends and if he were to pursue it further, i am not sure i would say yes. and that is the boy update as far as my knowledge of it goes. wow...i just realized that i am not so much of a pathetic looser as i tend to think i am.
marathon update; i am still running. not as much as i should, but at least i am going to do it! the marathon is on May 16th. it is a saturday so come cheer me on if you can cause i will need all the support i can get. i understand if you don't support insanity, but hey....you all still love me. and this is where i end things today. oh wait.... HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!

duck, girls' night in, long week, and pajama date

The duck last friday night was amazing goodness! I really loved it. Chef does a great job. I have pictures of the duck, and of Lis and me drinking. they are virgin drinks thank you! it is kinda late now so i will post them later. after dinner, we went back to lis' house (twilight is no longer playing at the theatre we wanted to go to) and Mary joined us. we watched a movie...ok, i fell asleep. i stayed the night at lis' and mary had to go home cause she had to work saturday morning. Saturday I helped lis take engagement pictures. then i went to the gym with the other lisa and pumped some iron. i went up to logan and hung out with chan, brooke, chris, essie, and mo. it was good to see them since i hadn't since christmas. i need to back up a bit... saturday morning i received two phone calls. the first was from my dad. he was calling to let me know that the family dog, prince aka goose, had died friday night. the second was from uncle doug. he called to let me know that aunt iola had passed away friday night. it was kind of a rough saturday. sunday was good. i stayed up in logan and had some laughs with the family. then i had to come back to ogden cause i had to work monday morning.
the rest of this past week has been a bit of a blur. it has all gone so quickly and yet it also seems to have dragged on. monday i ran 4 miles with rebecca. tuesday i went to body jam. wednesday i ran 7 &1/2 miles with rebecca and also went to body jam in layton with lis. they launched a new body jam dance sequence on tuesday and then launched it wednesday for layton. it ROCKS! ok i still can't dance or jam, but it is a lot of fun! highly recommended for everyone! i was completely exhausted since i was up at 2 AM wednesday morning to be to work at 3 AM. I may mention that i didn't get to sleep until after midnight. my landlords have been remodeling their bathroom, and it tragically effects mine. ah the joys of renting.... anyway, the week has been a long one, and i haven't still really caught up on any kind of sleep. i crashed wednesday night, but had to get up at 4 AM to be to work at 5 AM thursday morning. I usually don't go in until 6, but with me leaving to attend aunt iola's funeral, my boss was kind enough to let me go in an hour early so i didn't miss too many hours of work. (i still got my 40 in for the week though)
thursday....aunt iola's funeral was beautiful. it was so good to see everyone who made it. i felt really stupid though for not remembering more people. i know i know them, but i probably haven't seen them since i was very little. we need a carpenter reunion before another funeral! anyway, the talks were great and i felt like i got to know aunt iola a lot better. the whole thing did bring back some memories of mom's funeral, and i was crying when they sang "families can be together forever" Mom, i miss you so much! i hope i am making you proud. i think about you everyday. I love you Mom! to everyone who didn't make it; uncle doug & aunt maryanna send their loves and hope to see all of you soon.
i went to body jam thursday evening and then went to a 10 stake activity at the rock climbing wall in the solomon center. it was so much fun! i haven't been rock climbing since my class two years ago. it was a blast, even though i didn't make it to the top. hey i had a hard section that you had to go up around a ledge before you could climb straight up. but on to the pajama date...
i really don't have much of a life. mary texted me today and asked what i was doing this evening. my plan was to sleep, but who needs sleep when you can go on a pajama date?! yes indeed we all were in our pjs. it was freakin awesome! james asked mary and also had a friend. mary said she had a friend (me) so it was a double date. i have to laugh a bit because when mary asked me it was, "want to go on a date with me tonight?" for about half the day today, i thought she was wanting a girls' night but didn't want anyone else. i know i am crazy. anyway.... so i didn't even know who was taking me on this date. then when i got the text that asked if i would be willing to come in pajamas i asked mary who i was going out with tonight. i was told his name was taylor. this was not his name. I went out with Jake tonight. it's okay though because james had told jake that my name was annie. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
so we went in the fog....up to brigham city. we ate at quiznos. it was delicious! then we went to "paul blaurt; mall cop" funny movie, but it is a bit cheezy and stupid humor. i was laughing, i will admit it. but i don't think i will see it again...at least not in the cinema. so that has been my adventures this week. i am excited for tomorrow. since i got my laundry done today, i get to sleep in. and when i wake up, i am going to go running and then clean my place for my date tomorrow night. lis, mary, and i are having a date night. we all found dates and we are going to make dinner and play games and just have fun. now it is late and i am going to bed after i finish texting mary. she tells me that jake is madly in love with me and would like a second date. i told her that i would go, but it would need to be something that we can get to know each other and see what happens. mary's solution; mountain biking in the snow. I am totally game! but no ice because i can't afford broken bones...esp with marathon coming up and bills to pay.

monday night date and the rest of the week

monday.... night; i live in the basement of a house. in order to get to my door, you have to walk through the car port and down the stairs. i told taylor this. he must have forgot. when he was supposed to be at my house to pick me up, i heard someone outside, but they went upstairs. then i heard taylor say, "is amber here?" my poor landlords probably were very confused at why someone would come to their door looking for me. it was quite funny. so i ran to my door and hollered, "down. down the stairs silly." he came down the stairs and in his hands he held a single red rose. aww. too bad i don't really like roses. don't get me wrong, i love flowers...but roses have become too common. i am a lily person. it was still a very sweet gesture. he was the perfect gentleman. taylor opened my doors. and waited until i was comfortably in the seat before he shut the door. it was sweet. he took me to famous dave's bbq in layton. i had never eaten there.
it smelled sooooo good when we first walked in. taylor let me know what his favorites were and told me to feel free to order whatever it was i wanted. then he proceeded to say, "this is bbq and it gets messy. i make no promises to stay polite." i whole heartily agreed. the food was amazing. we both ate so much that we had food babies. it was fabulous. we talked about the most random things and laughed and ate and when we were finished eating, we both had to just sit for a minute and let the food settle before we went off to the next part of the evening. we went to a movie. and just because i said that, i can't remember the name. it was very stupid. in fact... i think the only way i would see it again is if i were drunk...and since that will never happen because i don't and won't drink...i will likely never see that movie again. so it doesn't matter that i can't remember the name. anyway we had a great night together and at the end, he gave me a big hug. i love hugs.
tuesday...i didn't go running, but i went to body jam. it felt really good to get my body moving again. i have become a very lazy person...not good when you are training for a marathon in 5 months almost to the day... anyways. it was great. then i went to bed because i had to work at 3 AM the next day. wednesday...ad day...i have to make sure all the displays have the correct price on the tags. wednesday was not a very exciting day. i worked until about twelve thirty. i have stayed longer before. then i went and had lunch with lis, rex, and rex's wife at a taco stand on 25th street. delicious tacos...2 for $1.00 amazing goodness. thank you lis for inviting me. after lunch i went to a park in the terrace and read "the shining" i am borrowing it from my boss who just got done reading it and said i had to. i am not done, but it is an intriguing novel. i will read more tonight after i shower and finish this. i decided that since it was such a nice day, i should go running. i went to the gym instead and went swimming. i thought about it, and i realized that if i am not going to the gym as often as i should, that i should probably look into dropping my membership. lis and i discussed this after lunch for a while and she talked me into keeping it for a bit longer. she is or will be teaching body jam...giving me more of a reason to go to the gym.
on to today...thursday. i made the realization that i have not talked to jay all week. he has not talked to me either. we have passed our usual "good mornings" but really haven't said anything more than that. i keep debating on whether or not i should ask him out or if he should be the one to ask me. he has been sick, but has not taken work off. i am not sure, but i think he doesn't have any sick leave left from his week absence about a month ago. i really should stop talking about him. i am sure you are sick of it. i just had come to that reality today and thought i would share. so back to my day. work was alright. there were not too many price changes. i got off and had to go take a copy of my fire certs to the dealership so they can approve my fire plates being transferred to my jeep from my kia. then i went to the gym for body jam. after jam, lis and i had planned to go swim, but the pool was really crowded and people didn't want to move over and make room so we all could swim. oh well, we just sat in the hot tub. it was fabulous. and now i am and need to get in the shower. i hate the smell of pool water, community pool water, on me. i am totally stoked for tomorrow night! Chef is making lis and me duck. i love duck. lis has tragically never had it before. then we are meeting up with some other girl friends and making a night of it. it will be good to hang out with friends. twilight is on the menu after dinner....hee heee it will be number 9.... what a pathetic life i lead. this is what happens when guys don't ask girls out... but whatever. ok i think i am all caught up now. so this has been my week.

a sort of explanation

first things first. my weekend didn't get a whole lot better. i discovered what my friend had texted. it was; "you have got to be kidding me. amber is the sweetest girl and you are being a huge jerk!" not so very nice, but got her point across. oddly, i wasn't mad...at anyone other than myself. I was mad at myself for feeling the way i did. for being too trusting. for not having confidence in myself. for crying my eyes out. for all of my past mistakes that still have a tendency to haunt me. all of my low self-esteem issues came pouring down on me and i hated myself for it. why can't i just have the confidence in myself that really maybe it wasn't me that he didn't want to go out with. that really something did come up and me, being an understanding person, trust that he will make it up to me later because the real truth of it is that he does like me, for who i am, and that he just got caught doing his calling. but we shall come back to that.
Saturday... i should just have stayed in bed ALL day. i had received a text at 1 in the A.M. reminding me that i was signed up to bring soup for the ward dinner before steak conference adult session this evening. ok i admit i was still up, but i did not feel like getting texts that late in the night. what happened to common courtesy? I didn't sleep very well, and the only thing that got me out of bed was a promised run with Rebecca. she is the candy lady at work and is helping me train for my marathon in may. it was a great run. we only went 3 miles, but managed to shave 3 minutes off my time from Thursday. the sun was shining and it was just a beautiful day to run. then i had to go to the store to buy some type of soup....an easy one i could just throw in the crock pot and forget about. my friends and i were supposed to go to the gym and pump some iron, but they all had other things. oh well. at least i got up and ran. i took longer in the shower to help my soon to be sore muscles. then i got dressed and went to Lis' house to make our soups. they smelled quite yummy and i was so hungry.
we loaded up in my car...since it is clean (you know it's true lis, but you still love me) and headed to the church. we passed a young man who looked dressed up and Lis recognised him from her parents ward. we had him hop in and went to the church....the wrong building. oops. we forgot which church they said. so we loaded back up and went to the correct building. just as we pulled into the parking stall, my soup tipped over. and yes, spilled all over the back of my new, sexy, black jeep liberty. AHHHH!!! i almost didn't know if i should laugh or cry since i had already had a crappy weekend. instead i just kept it in and tried not to bite off anyone's head who came to close. well, Lis and i got it cleaned up best we could and went inside. i was not even hungry anymore. and i was in no mood to talk to or see people. i just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed and stay put until spring or something. bytheway...i still hadn't heard anything more from my would-have-been date on the previous evening. my guess...he was mad at me about that text that my friend had sent. anyway...the tables were all full since we were now 45 minutes late...we cleaned my jeep up, otherwise we would have only been 10 or so minutes late.
the only empty chairs were next to these girls who really don't have brains in their heads. i was going to go crazy with their "like this guy is so like hot." "no, like this guy is totally the hottest" "no hugh grant is the total babe" "like who is hugh grant" "like he is in these movies...oh i can't remember the names, but he is such a babe" SERIOUSLY!!!!! So then they were all "oh your soup was like so good." "oh no like your soup was." "oh so like i totally forgot to remind people about it, but look how many people brought soup" "so like the one in that crock pot was alright" "oh look bishop's wife brought one, like she makes like the best food." so i interjected rudely and i don't care,"so who sent the message around at 1 A.M.?!!!" and then a girl replied, "oh, like sorry. i had just like gotten home from a date and thought like that i had better remind people. did i like wake you up?" to which Lisa replied, "no, but she is just cranky right now." and I replied, "i was cranky last night too when i got that text." oh well..so like whatever, right?
I will admit, the conference was good. and Sunday's 9 A.M. session was also good. and that did put me in slightly a better mood. I still didn't want to be anywhere near people. But on to today. you all know, or at least now you know, that i work with Jay. He didn't even say his usual "good morning, amber." to me today. in fact, everyone kinda noticed that he seemed to think of me as invisible. it was frustrating. so for a good portion of today, i stayed in the office as much as i could. i know that was cowardly. i should have just marched right up to him and demanded a full explanation. but i didn't. instead, i had a few close friends try and find out if he was mad at me or what he was feeling. perhaps he really just is not interested in me after all. one person succeeded. and i thank her. as it turns out, he hadn't realized the time had gone so quickly when he went with the elders quorum pres to help a fellow elder with the untimely passing of his father. usually this is not his calling since he is the secretary. when he received my text asking if i had told him the wrong time, he realized he was probably not going to make it, but couldn't excuse himself to call me at that moment.
when my friend sent that, what he called, "very rude text" he thought that maybe i had really sent it and was angry with him. he was going to call me, but after that text, thought that i didn't want to talk to him. so he said let things fall where they will. well... after i could no longer hide in the office because i had tags that needed to be hung, i put on a brave face and went out on the floor. the tags i had to hang were in the freezer...his section of store. i had been debating with myself if i should be the one to start a conversation or let him if he was still interested in dating me. i had one tag left. it was right next to where he was working. i walked over and he turned to face me. earlier that day i had passed by him, and he looked at me then quickly turned away and took his cart to the back room. i half expected this reaction now. then he spoke, "i hear you are quite mad at me." I quickly answered, " no. i was never mad at you. i thought you were mad at me." then i explained that my friend had sent that text and taken my phone. i didn't realize she had really sent it and couldn't check my phone. (not that i really wanted my phone on me that night and i don't always have to have my phone with me but whatever)
then he said sorry and i said sorry and that was the end of the conversation. so it still is slightly frustrating, but now i know for sure that he had no intention of standing me up and making me feel that way about myself. no future date was set, but i am hopeful. i have written a lot, and have to go now because i have a date with a friend tonight. he feels awful that i was stood up and feels a bit responsible because he had bet another co-worker that i would not go out on Friday night as i had planned. so, for jinxing me and having it come true, he is taking me to dinner and a movie.

Friday night tragedies

i am just going to vent for a few minutes.... why do guys say yes, but have no intention of really following through with it? for the first time ever in my life....i was stood up. and it sucks! i can't figure out why. is something wrong with me? am i not pretty enough? smart enough? skinny enough? too smart? what? seriously what is wrong with me? i kept thinking perhaps he just forgot. but am i really so forgettable? then i thought maybe something happened to him while he was driving to my house. then he was 15 minutes late. no call, no text, no show. then a half hour. so i sent a text asking if i had perhaps mistakenly said the wrong time. no reply. i waited another 10 minutes and called. the phone rang 4 times and went to voice mail....so it was ignored. my friends were waiting for me because i was the one who had the food, and the ride. an hour late. hmm... maybe a cop or bystander silenced his phone? or maybe he just really doesn't want to go out with me. so why not just say no?! and save me the tears that are pouring out of my eyes. i finally decided to just go take the food over and let them have their date without me. no...they would not have it. so i became a 5th wheel. as i was driving to take the food, i got a text; sorry, someone's dad died and we are taking him out. i could only reply; ok. my friend read it when i finally got there and sent something back. and then i was crying again. what is wrong with boys? what is wrong with me? an hour and a half. and i wonder if i had not texted or called if i would even have got that. seriously! what is wrong with me? why can't they be honest with me? why tell me one thing and not mean it? do they like to see girls cry? do they like to make girls cry? i hate crying!!!! i do it way too much, and can't ever control it. i wish i could just be mad and feel better that way. instead i feel like i am worthless and i cry. is it really too much to ask for someone who will never lie to me? or break my heart when it gets so excited and then crushed? is having any expectations in anything worth it? is having a heart and caring worth it? or maybe it is all just in my head... cause once again...as i am typing this...i am crying. I hate this!!!

Rogue

This is my beautiful, sexy, wonderful black 2006 Jeep Liberty; Rogue. I love her!

IFLY...do you?

today has been quite a fun day. I was a little bit late to work this morning cause I actually had to clear snow off my jeep. I found out the hard way that if I don't clear off the top of my jeep, while I am driving, slowing down, or stopping, all the snow on top comes tumbling down my windshield...making it so I can't really see. the snow is the thick wet stuff, so wipers aren't too helpful. Oh well, I still love my jeep. I don't have a name yet for her though. Anyway...work went fairly quickly. I got to leave early since yesterday I stayed later than planned. It was a good thing that I got to leave early though cause Lis had scheduled an IFLY appointment for us. We had passes that gave us a huge discount. Can I just say that skydiving indoors is much cooler than I thought it was going to be...and a workout! The two things that the instructors can't stress enough are; keep your chin up and hold still. The two things that Lis and I recommend are; blow your nose before, and empty your bladder before. The air is very good at dragging out your snot and spit from your nose and mouth. Really disgusting, but flying is so much fun!!! The instructors are awesome, and have been doing it for a while...they showed off some. We just got to stick with basics, but it's all good for me. Esther...we are totally going to go together. I know you have actually been real skydiving, but this is pretty freaking awesome too! In fact, most skydivers use the indoor as a practice facility. So...on to tonight... I am going to BODY JAM! WAHOO!! It will be nice to get my fat, lazy body moving again. Esp. since I am going to run a marathon on May 16th. Put it on your calendars! The other fun thing I get to do tonight is plan a group date for friday night. I think the plan is going to be; sledding, making some type of dinner, and playing games. Simple, fun, and fairly inexpensive...which we all need. I have my date picked out...and he said yes when I asked him today. yes, I asked Jay.... and I am excited! :) Hopefully the weather is good, but if not, I now have 4-wheel-drive...not 4-wheel-stupid, 4-wheel-drive. I know I am not invincible...in fact, it is scarier driving a new car and getting used to it in the snow. Anyways... I am excited and we will have a great time! so my final parting today is a picture of my IFLY certificate. Have a great night...I know i will! Body Jam time!

the newest news of me

i have been thinking a lot lately about what my new year's resolutions will be. Yeah, I still have no idea. I am going to run a marathon this year. Ogden's marathon. I still need to register for it, but I can do that before the end of the month so I will wait. I haven't really had too many exciting things going on. I bought a new car. Ok actually it's an SUV. It is super nice. I now drive a black 2006 Jeep Liberty. I got an amazing deal on it, and if I am careful with my money, easily affordable. The tragic reason for my buying a new vehicle now is that my KIA just kept breaking down. little things here and there to the point that last Friday, my driver's side door handle snapped off from being frozen in this cold winter. Even more tragic, I had just had the door open and wasn't going to get back in my car until morning, but realized I had parked retarded like in the driveway so no one else could park comfortably. So I unlocked the door and just barely lifted up when it snapped off in my hand. You know in cartoons when babies cry how it takes them a second then they just start bawling...I was about to do just that. I decided not to cry about it, but instead think of better options. Upgrade. It feels good. I am very much a fan. I loved my little KIA and it served me very well. I will miss it as it was my first very own car. I will love my new jeep too. She is pretty. I will post pictures later. I do need to come up with a name for her. She needs a sexy name, as she is a sexy SUV. It has to be a not common name, but a name that will make an impression you won't forget. Something elegant and sleek, but you instantly know not to take her for granted. Anyway... Happy new year! This is what my door handle should look like... and this is what it looks like... hmm...i see a problem here...do you?