a sort of explanation

first things first. my weekend didn't get a whole lot better. i discovered what my friend had texted. it was; "you have got to be kidding me. amber is the sweetest girl and you are being a huge jerk!" not so very nice, but got her point across. oddly, i wasn't mad...at anyone other than myself. I was mad at myself for feeling the way i did. for being too trusting. for not having confidence in myself. for crying my eyes out. for all of my past mistakes that still have a tendency to haunt me. all of my low self-esteem issues came pouring down on me and i hated myself for it. why can't i just have the confidence in myself that really maybe it wasn't me that he didn't want to go out with. that really something did come up and me, being an understanding person, trust that he will make it up to me later because the real truth of it is that he does like me, for who i am, and that he just got caught doing his calling. but we shall come back to that.
Saturday... i should just have stayed in bed ALL day. i had received a text at 1 in the A.M. reminding me that i was signed up to bring soup for the ward dinner before steak conference adult session this evening. ok i admit i was still up, but i did not feel like getting texts that late in the night. what happened to common courtesy? I didn't sleep very well, and the only thing that got me out of bed was a promised run with Rebecca. she is the candy lady at work and is helping me train for my marathon in may. it was a great run. we only went 3 miles, but managed to shave 3 minutes off my time from Thursday. the sun was shining and it was just a beautiful day to run. then i had to go to the store to buy some type of soup....an easy one i could just throw in the crock pot and forget about. my friends and i were supposed to go to the gym and pump some iron, but they all had other things. oh well. at least i got up and ran. i took longer in the shower to help my soon to be sore muscles. then i got dressed and went to Lis' house to make our soups. they smelled quite yummy and i was so hungry.
we loaded up in my car...since it is clean (you know it's true lis, but you still love me) and headed to the church. we passed a young man who looked dressed up and Lis recognised him from her parents ward. we had him hop in and went to the church....the wrong building. oops. we forgot which church they said. so we loaded back up and went to the correct building. just as we pulled into the parking stall, my soup tipped over. and yes, spilled all over the back of my new, sexy, black jeep liberty. AHHHH!!! i almost didn't know if i should laugh or cry since i had already had a crappy weekend. instead i just kept it in and tried not to bite off anyone's head who came to close. well, Lis and i got it cleaned up best we could and went inside. i was not even hungry anymore. and i was in no mood to talk to or see people. i just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed and stay put until spring or something. bytheway...i still hadn't heard anything more from my would-have-been date on the previous evening. my guess...he was mad at me about that text that my friend had sent. anyway...the tables were all full since we were now 45 minutes late...we cleaned my jeep up, otherwise we would have only been 10 or so minutes late.
the only empty chairs were next to these girls who really don't have brains in their heads. i was going to go crazy with their "like this guy is so like hot." "no, like this guy is totally the hottest" "no hugh grant is the total babe" "like who is hugh grant" "like he is in these movies...oh i can't remember the names, but he is such a babe" SERIOUSLY!!!!! So then they were all "oh your soup was like so good." "oh no like your soup was." "oh so like i totally forgot to remind people about it, but look how many people brought soup" "so like the one in that crock pot was alright" "oh look bishop's wife brought one, like she makes like the best food." so i interjected rudely and i don't care,"so who sent the message around at 1 A.M.?!!!" and then a girl replied, "oh, like sorry. i had just like gotten home from a date and thought like that i had better remind people. did i like wake you up?" to which Lisa replied, "no, but she is just cranky right now." and I replied, "i was cranky last night too when i got that text." oh well..so like whatever, right?
I will admit, the conference was good. and Sunday's 9 A.M. session was also good. and that did put me in slightly a better mood. I still didn't want to be anywhere near people. But on to today. you all know, or at least now you know, that i work with Jay. He didn't even say his usual "good morning, amber." to me today. in fact, everyone kinda noticed that he seemed to think of me as invisible. it was frustrating. so for a good portion of today, i stayed in the office as much as i could. i know that was cowardly. i should have just marched right up to him and demanded a full explanation. but i didn't. instead, i had a few close friends try and find out if he was mad at me or what he was feeling. perhaps he really just is not interested in me after all. one person succeeded. and i thank her. as it turns out, he hadn't realized the time had gone so quickly when he went with the elders quorum pres to help a fellow elder with the untimely passing of his father. usually this is not his calling since he is the secretary. when he received my text asking if i had told him the wrong time, he realized he was probably not going to make it, but couldn't excuse himself to call me at that moment.
when my friend sent that, what he called, "very rude text" he thought that maybe i had really sent it and was angry with him. he was going to call me, but after that text, thought that i didn't want to talk to him. so he said let things fall where they will. well... after i could no longer hide in the office because i had tags that needed to be hung, i put on a brave face and went out on the floor. the tags i had to hang were in the freezer...his section of store. i had been debating with myself if i should be the one to start a conversation or let him if he was still interested in dating me. i had one tag left. it was right next to where he was working. i walked over and he turned to face me. earlier that day i had passed by him, and he looked at me then quickly turned away and took his cart to the back room. i half expected this reaction now. then he spoke, "i hear you are quite mad at me." I quickly answered, " no. i was never mad at you. i thought you were mad at me." then i explained that my friend had sent that text and taken my phone. i didn't realize she had really sent it and couldn't check my phone. (not that i really wanted my phone on me that night and i don't always have to have my phone with me but whatever)
then he said sorry and i said sorry and that was the end of the conversation. so it still is slightly frustrating, but now i know for sure that he had no intention of standing me up and making me feel that way about myself. no future date was set, but i am hopeful. i have written a lot, and have to go now because i have a date with a friend tonight. he feels awful that i was stood up and feels a bit responsible because he had bet another co-worker that i would not go out on Friday night as i had planned. so, for jinxing me and having it come true, he is taking me to dinner and a movie.